burnt out, bummed out, and just out

Have written to page 113, four chapters in of Light-year Lion (#lion girl), which is Book 4 in The Prince of Qorlec (#girl prince).

I barely got any writing done. I usually average about thirty pages a day — meaning, I write one chapter a day because the goal with every chapter is 30 pages.

I didn’t get many written today. Maybe ten. Today was just not a happy day. I write more when I’m happier and not distracted by anything else.

I think Light-year Lion might be longer than the other books because the lore has been expanded, there are more characters, so more POV chapters, and Quinn’s journey to build an army is something that will come into play in Book 5, which right now is called Moon Fire. So to set the stage for all that, Book 4 might have to be long. Which means it’ll take longer to write.

Right now I’ve finally gotten to the part where Quinn is about to escape Vorgvon, the detainment prison for entirian prisoners on Kahz. It’s gonna be a fun chapter to write. We get a robot in this book (again) only this time the robot is on the protagonist’s side.

This book is also a little more heartbreaking, as even more characters die.

Fans tend to get mad at writers for killing off characters, and I don’t think they realize how really difficult it is to kill off your creation if you loved that creation. Some of my own characters I really love, so to kill them off is really painful (dorky as that sounds). But sometimes the plot demands it. Especially if you’ve got a really evil antagonist. General Phorott will not hesitate to destroy Quinn in anyway he can, and the easiest way to do that is by hurting her loved ones.

All that aside, I think I’m really burnt out from asking people to read my books. First, it’s really hard to find people willing to read them. I’m a marginalized voice for a reason. It means the group in power thinks I’m inferior and disgusting, so they don’t want to read my books and they don’t want to hear about my struggles because it’s boring/makes them feel guilty/makes them angry/they are too bigoted to relate to people slightly darker than them.

On top of that, I’m self-published. So add that to the mix, and you get one burnt out person who loves to write and just wants someone to read it and enjoy it.

I’m starting to wonder if an audience even exists for The Prince of Qorlec. These books are really bizarre compared to “normal” science fiction about hunky blonde space captains and their buxom alien girlfriends.

If only I could find someone willing to read about blue alien girls with dicks. Oh well.

Honestly, there’s nothing more rewarding than having someone read your book, understand the content, appreciate the content, and even enjoy it so much that they want more.

This is nothing like that in the world for a writer. Or for any creative.

I remember I used to bitch all the time about my “fans” back when I used to write things for free online. Fandoms are always crazy and it’s usually best to keep your distance from them. But being someone who wrote for free online, I was unable to maintain a distance and got bogged down by their madness. I didn’t tell any of them I self-published because I didn’t want them following me (and embarrassing me).

But I will admit, I do miss having people enjoy my writing and get excited about it. I miss people sending me messages saying that my stories stole their entire afternoon or my stories changed their life because it taught them something about queer people, etc. That was rewarding right there. The second I got tired of being hungry and decided I wanted to get paid for all this hard work, I lost the other side, the most rewarding part of writing.

But god forbid I should wanna eat, huh?

I wish I could have both: get paid and have people love my stories.

That would be swell.