We Can’t Be Friends (but I’m still in love with you)

Because I get a friend request every now and then on Goodreads, I’m going to explain why I must turn them down. And I’m going to leave this in a sticky post so that people can understand why.

It isn’t personal. It has nothing to do with you. And in fact, I’m a horrible friend as I’m very solitary and rarely speak to people longer than it takes to maybe crack a joke or say hello.

The reason I turn down friend requests is because of Amazon and their near fanatical desire to weed out suspicious reviews. In other words, a published author – especially a self-published one – is not allowed to be liked as a human being by their readers. We must remain faceless, soulless entities churning out books to make cash for The Almighty Zon. Because if Amazon even suspects that we might be friends with the complete strangers who leave reviews, they will delete those reviews.

In fact, Amazon is probably installing hidden cameras in my house as I’m writing this.

I don’t know anyone who has reviewed my books from poo-cocky, and in order to keep those reviews you so generously gave me, I can not “friend” you on any accounts, lest I get myself in trouble.

Long story short, we can’t be friends because Amazon is fucking paranoid.

All that being said, thank you for taking the time to read my gobbledygook, whoever you are. And thank you double if you actually reviewed it! It means more to me than you’ll ever know. Writing is just half the fun. Having someone read your work and respond to it is the other half.

For what is a story without an audience?